Iona’s Story: Persistent Hope - Navigating Through the Fog of DPDR
My brain clouded with fog. My mirrored reflection: a stranger. I was light-headed but of a nature I’d never felt before. Hours had rolled by, but time practically stood still in this state of being. I was alive, my five senses still intact, however this peculiarity persisted.
Months passed before this fog was named by my psychiatrist: Depersonalisation-Derealisation Disorder (DPDR). A dissociative disorder, individuals with it feel a detachment from themselves (Depersonalisation) and/or a detachment from their environment (Derealisation). I identify more with the latter. Alongside DPDR, I was also diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). For me, the two often feel intertwined; DPDR being a kind of protective fog during emotional overwhelm.
The weight of the disconnection from DPDR has caused an emotional disorientation. I became an impartial spectator in relationships and had an Existential Crisis surrounding my self-identity. But, living with EUPD led to incredible, emotional intensity. Whilst DPDR felt like a total shutdown; a kind of numbness that flares up when things become intense. I realised that DPDR was a coping response or even a comorbidity of EUPD interlinking with emotional dysregulation.
Despite EUPD and DPDR both distorting my sense of self, there was a shift in awareness. I discovered the concept of non-duality. Non-duality is the understanding that all is one; there’s no separation of the self. In DPDR, this loss of self feels rather terrifying. But, from a non-dual perspective, it’s simply a glimpse of the truth- freedom from the ego, not a mental malfunction as we feel it to sometimes be. So, I started to wonder: “what if I didn’t have to cling too tightly to this fragmented sense of self?” After 12 years of being suspended in a blur, non-duality offered a brand, new perspective: I was the awareness behind the fog, not the fog itself!
Before having this staggering revelation, I found helpful tools that essentially kept me going. Self-compassion: in the fog of detachment, I once felt lost, but, self-compassion became my light. No longer fighting the haze, I’d hold myself gently and, in a warm embrace, I feel real again. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy: whenever I felt lost in the fog- like a ghost watching life behind a pane of glass- DBT became a lifeline. Grounding me, teaching me to remain present, how to breathe through the abject fear. With each skill, I found pieces of myself again, remembering the integral fact: “I’m here, and I matter”.
To end, I want to leave you with hope- not in perfection but in presence. Living with DPDR and EUPD hasn’t been easy, but persistent hope keeps me going. I choose hope- the quiet belief that even in the fog, healing is in fact happening. You are not broken- you are not alone. Regardless of the longevity or severity of your DPDR, you have a story to tell.
