Rosie’s Story: Learning To Trust Myself Again
**Trigger Warning: contains mentions of psychological distress and existentialism.
February 2025. I lost my memory for three days. Terror. Sadness. Confusion. Staring out of the window wondering if the world was real. Until this point, at 39 I had big plans for a PHD, but now in a flash it was gone. Like Neo in the matrix, I was unplugged and it was a feeling I would wish on nobody. I had no inner monologue, nobody inside my head to reassure me. I saw an NHS psychiatrist. She said it was DPDR. My memory has returned, as has my inner voice. But I am altered in ways I did not think possible. Now in the autumn of 2025, I am trying to rebuild my life. Education is my industry, but it is hard, what you read in the news is a snapshot.
CBT and medication were the order from the psychiatrist. I had some private CBT, a therapist who challenged me ‘’keep a worry journal, when you get a thought write down the exact words and we will tackle them in the session’’ I did this, and it was so scary to see my thoughts in front of me. But I had to do it. Medication. A merry-go-round. Two months of spring gone in a blur of fear, sickness, tears, waking up anxious and dissociated.
Trust. In self and medical staff. I used to know exactly where I wanted to go in life. Now I am having to constantly start again. Learning to trust myself again to know what I need is tough. The hardest part of the condition is the existential questioning. This happens daily. I accept reality as in it is in front of me. But questions like ‘’Is this all there is to life?’’ to other questions about my future are a regular occurrence. This also happens randomly, in the shops, whilst watching TV or looking out of the window. There is no pattern. I also wonder if I have always been this way and never knew before. I sometimes wish I could go back to how things were before. I feel the disconnection quite distinctly. Perimenopause is also a factor. I take Ashwagandha tablets to help with this.
A light. Some choose philosophy, others introspection. I am still trying to find something that helps me. I used to use astrology and tarot cards to help shape my life. I still use these but not in quite the same way. I am learning to trust myself again. Self-care is very important, whether it be reading books/podcasts on history and the paranormal. I also raise awareness when I can, in job interviews, conversations at work and at play. It is a long road, and each day I take another step. You are not alone; the world is real. Your mind is trying to protect itself. I would like to reach out and hug you. DPDR makes you feel isolated but in truth we are here for you.