It can be difficult and distressing to see someone you care about or love experiencing the complex symptoms of Depersonalisation and Derealisation disorder. But as family and friends you can really help comfort someone with DPDR by acknowledging their symptoms and offering a safe and settled environment.
We spoke to some people with DPDR and their carers to come up with a few ways in which you can offer support to someone with DPDR.
Show acceptance of the situation rather than trying to understand the complexities of the condition. As carers you will gain insight and knowledge about the condition but without lived experience it is difficult to conceptualise. It is almost impossible to understand DPDR without experiencing it and this is okay. Try not to put additional pressure or expectation on yourself to understand.
DPDR can be extremely difficult for a sufferer to explain and may cause them additional distress in trying to do so. Try to listen and engage with acceptance and reassurance rather than with questioning and doubt. Acknowledge that it is real for the person experiencing it and offer love, support and kindness.
People can experience DPDR episodically or on a continual basis. Remaining calm, listening and offering reassurance is crucial. Panic, stress and anxiety can exacerbate symptoms for a sufferer, so it is important that as a carer you remain both patient and calm with a supportive and comforting manner. Remind your loved one that they are with you and are in a safe place.
Often people suffering with DPDR are ‘fully’ functional and physically appear okay, but it is best to try and avoid saying ‘you look ok’ or ‘I can’t see anything wrong with you.’ DPDR is an invisible illness which makes it all the more terrifying for a sufferer. Instead acknowledge that their experiences are real and offer comfort and reassurance. Perhaps gently ask them what they may like you to do to help them. Loving care can help remove some of the fear for a person living with a lonely and isolating condition.
Some people with DPDR can experience emotional blunting and struggle to access emotions which they have previously experienced. Try to remember that just because they might not outwardly appear enthusiastic or upset about something, that doesn’t mean that they are uncaring or ungrateful.
Invest some time to do your own research to learn about the condition. Awareness of DPDR is slowly growing and whilst there have been limited resources available you can still seek and find useful information. It is worth noting that some of the forums can be negatively biased and triggering so we recommend visiting these with caution.
Here’s a short film created by Unreal board member Joe Perkins, in which he illustrates his experience of DPDR.
Think about ways that you could help them to feel safe, secure and settled. Physical touch and comfort can be helpful, together with reassuring words and the knowledge that they are not going to be left alone and are in a safe place. Perhaps consider other tools which may help them feel more settled, such as a comforting blanket, aromatherapy oils, music, a warm bath or hot drink.
There may be times when you can't offer them the support they need. And this is ok. Try to think about who the best person is to contact at these times and how you can widen their network of support.
Research local therapists who can offer professional support. There is a NHS Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma (CADAT) which is an outpatient psychological therapy service. CADAT provides assessment and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) locally and nationally for specific anxiety disorders. Be available to offer support, listen and comfort before and after therapy sessions, helping them to travel to appointments and offering encouragement and reassurance that they are not alone.
Talk together about their symptoms and learn together how to manage them.
“It was really important for us to work together to learn and understand ways to try to lessen and manage the symptoms. I learnt that DPDR doesn’t mean someone’s judgement is impaired and whilst they are very ill, they can still be a fundamental part of all decisions regarding what’s best for them.” Isabella, long-term carer of someone with DPDR.
Sometimes the experience of DPDR can be so overwhelming that suicidal feelings can occur. Consider helping them make a crisis plan to include people to contact, as well as out-of-hours support from a local GP or the Samaritans.
When you are caring for someone else, it is important that you look after yourself and your own well-being. Try to get enough sleep, eat well and take time out when you can. Talking to other people with similar experiences can also be helpful.
Take a look at our Peer Support page to learn how you can connect with other supporters and carers.
