Altered States - Part 6: DPDR And Medication

This is the sixth instalment of a 9-part blog series written by Rob.
Trigger Warning: contains references to: psychological distress, sensory issues, out of body experiences and health anxiety.

One of the things in which I’ve taken is reading and hearing about other people’s experiences of DPDR. It at least shows that I’m not going mad or that my mind hasn’t stopped functioning properly. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone as it’s incredibly isolating and lonely, but at least I know I’m not the only one.

That fact so many of us experience almost identical symptoms and sensations is a small comfort. It hopefully means there is some neurological, psychological, or chemical cause which may one day be identified, which could one day lead to a treatment.

I sometimes wonder whether DPDR is a blessing, as much as it’s a curse. I do wonder what state I’d be in if it had never kicked in. Potentially curled up in the foetal position unable to cope with the world.

I understand now that it’s a very clever defence and self-preservation mechanism. I’d gone through a heck of a lot, when my mind, unconscious, brain or whatever we choose to call it, decided to step back for a while. But sadly, it never fully stepped back in the game.

From when it first set in, I tried to cope with the derealisation as best I could. Some days were better than others, but generally most of the time was pretty shit. Luckily, I was able to work, which was a useful distraction, and I was seeing a specialist therapist who was helping me understand the condition and my underlying psychology. I wasn’t taking any antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication, so there was nothing to help take the edge off or detune my senses and awareness, as I tried to live and cope with DPDR.

I didn’t think I needed antidepressants and didn’t want to rely on them, likely due to the stigma me and many other people associate with them. Antidepressants are only for crazy people, surely? If I started them, I’d be on them the rest of my life? I now realise that they’re an incredibly helpful and important tool that improves the functioning of brain chemistry, bringing a more consistent balance of malfunctioning neurotransmitters. But this understanding only came after antidepressants with both my therapist and GP. Within a few weeks of taking a low dose of 50mg Sertraline, I could feel the cloud of depression and anxiety lifting a little. Its not like everything was suddenly better overnight or the derealisation vanished, but it gave me mental breathing space, particularly with the anxiety I’d been experiencing.

So, in February 2020, I was officially taking antidepressants for the first time. Then a global viral pandemic decided to sweep the entire world, throwing most of humanity into a state of lockdown. This wasn’t exactly ideal for someone who’d gone through recent medical traumas and had been experiencing intense health anxiety for the past year. But I’d definitely chosen the right time to start taking medication.